Love Thyselfie

Today, before taking a shower, I looked in the mirror and analyzed all of the things I don’t like about myself. This calculated and demeaning personal attack against myself has become somewhat of a morning ritual for me over the past five years. Throughout my drug addiction, eating disorder, and current sobriety, this routine has evolved from obsession to acceptance. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop doing it, but over the past year I’ve stopped letting it affect my self worth.

I’m no stranger to sobriety, but this time has been exceptionally hard for me. My anxiety and depression have been running wild and I find myself crying over spilt milk, brimming with anger on a daily basis. As I type this, it’s been a month since I’ve had a cigarette, three months since I’ve had a drink, and I’m bleeding out of my vagina; so I’m extra fucked up. However, in many aspects of my life, I’m the happiest and most satisfied I’ve ever been. I feel confidant, sure of myself, and loved. But, as anyone who has struggled with an eating disorder, addiction, or depression will understand, there’s some thoughts and behaviors that aren’t that easy to stop. There are a lot of things that I’ve seen (in myself, in habits, in others) that I can’t un-see. I’ve always believed that the main cause of my anxiety is my hyper awareness.

I’m writing this across from my partner right now. My feet rest on his left thigh and he often taps on my big toe and tells me he loves me. I’ve been with a lot of people, but this is really only my second serious, healthy, and monogamous relationship. I’m realizing that I have four go-to coping skills: casual sex, drugs, alcohol, and food. But now that I’ve made the choice to no longer partake in any of those vices, I have to use my words and actually deal with shit. I pride myself in being an open book, having no shame and no filter, and I rant about how important communication is, but I must admit I’m discovering that I’m not the best at it myself. Or at least I’m not with anyone that I find myself in a serious relationship with. Casual partners = no problem. Friends = no problem. The person I wake up beside every morning = don’t know how to do words. I get why people say relationships take a lot of work, and for once in my life I get why it’s worth it. I think this is what learning from my past mistakes feels like, and it feels like ass… an ass that I really wanna smack.

I’m sure you’re reading and thinking “this girl’s got it together, she’ll be fine” because I’m definitely getting that vibe from myself as I re-read this, but in the moments (that feel like years) when my depression and anxiety consumes me I feel like a different person. I feel lost in myself, like I become the flaws that I only I see. I fear that one of these days I’ll lose myself for good and destroy everything around me. It doesn’t matter what I know and what’s rational, the fear feels tangible; it manifests itself in everything around me.

Not an hour goes by that I don’t think about going back on my antidepressants, or having a smoke, or a drink, or doing a line... but it gets easier, right? Regardless, I’m pretty sure I’d rather feel all of these things than nothing at all. Or at least feel them sober than through a haze. Ok, so why did I decide to take photos of the things I don’t like about myself and write this and share it with you? I don’t really know. I think I’m just trying to find some sanity for myself.

Only recently, through art, have I felt the need to expose and express myself more. It’s like a compulsion. I think that taking photos of oneself is a great way to build confidence and self-acceptance… But with so many apps to hide blemishes, slim bodies, and “correct” everything, are we fooling ourselves, and others, into believing that our “selfies” are what we really look like? I believe that the most strength is found in vulnerability, and only through vulnerability can one truly inspire change. So, can I change the way I see myself by changing the way you see me? These photos represent all of the things that I try to hide in photos of myself: my crooked teeth, my uneven face and chin, my lopsided tits, my stretchmarks, my scars, my swollen eyelids. Fuck it. I also shave the hair on my upper lip and between my eyebrows. Every. Damn. Day.

#meganmagdalena #lovethyselfie #personalpost #pervonthego #2016 #submission